for the past week, i have been busy and and going on ahead with life. life seems to be so perfect for me until just recently. things had never stayed the way it is for me... i guess...
i know my attitude and temper is not the best of all, and yet i keep striving to change to be a better person, to care and to protect everything that is dear to me, to sacrifice what i can give just to see a smile.. and yet i keep feeling as if i am making her life so difficult. the person whom i love dearly is stuck in between me and her pet brother. is it because of my appearance in her life? there are so many questions in my mind.. blank.. unanswered.. so many... and i dont have the answer of what should i do.. even now as im typing this blog, im not exactly in the best of mood.
im a selfish person, i know this. i am selfish when it comes to everything that is dear to me. i keep having this weird feeling.. though i know that i must not think too much... why am i so soft? why does tears fall down easily from my eyes? i wish i know why.. what paula said to me yesterday keep pounding in my head, and i am very lost now.. am i a rebound? somehow i am beginning to agree with the terms, life is unfair, life is a thunderstorm, and it is indeed suffocating me. do i have your heart? can i make you feel safe whenever you are with me?
last night.. was one of the worst nights ever at kampar. i totally cant sleep. had a bloody nightmare.. one of the worst nightmares ever... i woke up, saved by the ringing tone of my alarm, im so glad to open my eyes.. the dream? nightmare? i saw each and everyone leaving me.. leaving me alone in the dark corner of a room.. everyone whom i once cared for, people who are dear to me, friends, family... even my love.. i wanted to shout, but i cant.. i wanted to cry, my tears are dry, my mouth is dry... i wanted to express myself... i feel hollow... why do i keep feeling this way.. even the cool night's breeze and the shining stars in the sky cant bring a smile onto my face.. for the very first time...
sigh... ending this blog entry... God bless
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